Jesse Jackson appears in court
LONDON – Because of his scandalous displays of civil disobedience during this city’s destructive riots,
Reverend Jesse Jackson
was arrested and charged with looting yesterday by London police. He
was taken to central booking and charged with theft, destruction of
public property, aggravated assault and impersonating a clergyman. Prime
Minister David Cameron issued a statement condemning Reverend Jackson’s
actions and former Prime Minister Tony Blair told reporters he’d
suspected Jackson of stealing before.
“When
Reverend Jackson
visits, one is apt to keep an eye on the silverware,” Blair told
reporters. “We allowed him to attend several social functions when I was
in office and his presence always coincided with the puzzling
disappearance of light bulbs and lavatory soap. At the last reception he
attended we assigned a security detail to keep an eye on him but he
outsmarted them by slipping out a lavatory window with a shower curtain
and several hand towels.”
Lawyers for Reverend Jackson argue that he is being persecuted by a
conservative legal system that frowns upon dissent and muffles the cries
of the disenfranchised. Although multiple security cameras recorded
Reverend Jackson breaking store windows, looting merchandise and
assaulting an elderly woman, his lawyers claim that he was sound asleep
in his hotel room the night of the alleged crimes. When a reporter
pointed out that the new sneakers Reverend Jackson was wearing at the
time of his arrest were the same brand a security video shows him
looting from a boutique, the lawyers said that Jackson had purchased his
sneakers from a blind street vendor in Calcutta where he’d recently
traveled to donate a swing-set to a grade school for lepers.
The courtroom was packed with spectators when a disheveled and
irritated Jesse Jackson appeared before the magistrate. When asked to
respond to the charges against him, Jackson sneered and spat on the
floor. That sparked rambunctious cheers and whistles from the gallery,
forcing the judge to angrily pound his gavel and demand silence. When
the magistrate sternly cautioned the accused against spitting in the
court room, Reverend Jackson grabbed his crotch and sneered,
“I got your warning right here,
Sir!”
Freelance reporter Dayle “Scoop” Curtis was covering the hearing for the Huffington Post.
“When Jesse grabbed his crotch and told the Judge what he could do
with his reprimand, the courtroom erupted into mayhem. It was an amazing
display of defiance. The crowd began chanting
Jesse! Jesse! Jesse! as guards dragged Reverend Jackson away. It was just like a 60′s protest or something.”
Reports that Jesse Jackson bit off the ear of one of the guards has
not been substantiated, but his lawyer has confirmed that Jackson has
taken a lover in jail.
“Reverend Jackson has needs. He makes no excuses and offers no apologies.”
Reverend Al Sharpton penned an op-ed piece in the NY Times following news of Jackson’s arrest in London:
“I stand by Reverend Jackson and I walk by him and adhere to him. I
want it known without any equivocation and self doubt that if Reverend
Jackson is not treated fairly that I will march. I demand Reverend
Jackson get a swift trial and restitution. I offer my services to gently
care for his mistresses and make sure his illegitimate children get
their monthly paychecks. Jesse Jackson’s arrest and detainment is a
travesty of the heinous and it will not go unheeded. I will march for a
full congressional hearing and I demand that Reverend Jackson be
exercised and immediately released on his own reconnaissance.”
Security camera videos appear to show Reverend Jackson at the head of
a group of masked teenagers as they shatter store windows and steal
merchandise. One video plainly shows Reverend Jackson wrestling what
looks like a lava lamp out of the hands of an elderly woman. For several
minutes the woman puts up an impressive fight before Jackson breaks her
grip on the lamp by thrashing her over the head with a large toaster.
Several of the teenagers arrested said that Jackson was determined to
find stores that carried Giuseppe Zanotti sneakers. An anonymous source
inside Jackson’s Rainbow PUSH Coalition said Jesse Jackson desperately
wanted a pair of $700 Giuseppe Zanotti sneakers, but was not willing to
pay the retail price.
“Last
month Reverend Jackson attempted to extort the Giuseppe Zanotti company
but his threats of a boycott fell on deaf ears. He was really
disappointed. But when he heard about the riots in London he saw an
opportunity to get some free sneakers while fighting for the
underprivileged at the same time. He said it was divine intervention
because God wanted him to have those sneakers.”
Many of the teenagers who conspired with Jackson feel the experience was valuable.
“Smashing store windows and looting with Jesse Jackson is something
I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life,” one of the teenagers
remarked. “Now I know how Rosa Parks must have felt.”
This entry was posted on August 16, 2011 at 8:35 pm and is filed under News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.