Shocker!: President Obama’s Daughters Are Not Her’s (Possibly NSFW)

Posted on July 3, 2010 by naturalfake | Leave a comment

I stand second to no one in my admiration for Our First Female President, Barack Obama.
However, there are some things more important than mere admiration of a public figure. Principles such as honesty and integrity, a commitment to the truth. These are the principles which we here at naturalfake strive to live by each and every day.
Thus, it is with no joy at all that I tell you that President Barack Obama cannot possibly be the biological mother of little Sasha and little Malia!
Our First Female President has never experienced the painful joys and the joyful pains of childbirth. In fact, it is medically impossible.
And naturalfake has the proof!
Irrefutable scientific proof!
But first, let me give a hat tip to Andrew Sullivan! After all, his groundbreaking blogposts concerning the lack of evidence that Trig Palin is actually Sarah Palin’s child, as well as his brave uncovering of the malicious naming of Trig Palin by Sarah Palin, are the main reasons that naturalfake got involved in blogging in the first place.
But now the student has surpassed the master!
For unlike Sully in his dealings with Trig Palin’s mysterious origins, I have directly interviewed President Obama’s OB/GYN, Dr. Horace Salmondo-Pinkerton to confirm my suspicions. And in the process uncovered a shocking story full of shocking stuff that will shock you!
I caught up with Dr Salmondo-Pinkerton at TGIFridays’s where he was enjoying his lunchtime meal of Sesame Jack Chicken Strips.
The following is an unedited transcript:
nf: Hello, Dr Salmondo-Pinkerton. My name is naturalfake of naturalfake International Media.
I’d like to know why you continue in this sham of a deception of a sham of deceiving the American people when you of all people must know that Barack Obama, Our First Female President , cannot possibly be the biological mother of little Malia and little Sasha.
Dr Salmondo-Pinkerton: Gasp! naturalfake! How did you know?…..uh…..I….I mean, don’t you think it unseemly and frankly unfair to involve the children of our politicians in the media circus?
nf: Not in this case, Doctor. To paraphrase a great man: Our First Female President brought her two daughters up onstage at the DNC Convention like some scene from the Lion King. She has written two books full of extremely private details. The First Husband, Michelle Obama has made speech after speech citing his daughter’s ‘chubbiness”, pushing them into every public arena imaginable.
There is nothing private about President Obama’s story regarding her children. Nothing.
Dr Salmondo-Pinkerton: Wow. At first, I thought you were some kind of insane partisan nutcase but what you just said makes so much sense….
Of course, there is that whole patient confidentiality thing…and the HIPAA laws regarding patient privacy….but….well, I guess it’s okay to tell you. You have an honest face and everything.
But, I must warn you. Prepare to be shocked.
nf: I’m a blogger, Doctor. Nothing shocks me anymore.
Dr Salmondo-Pinkerton: Alright, then. naturalfake, are you familiar with hyena sexual anatomy? Particularly, the sexual anatomy of the female hyena?
nf: No, I can’t say that I am, Doctor.
DSP: Fortunately, I always carry a diagram of the female hyena’s reproductive system in my wallet. Here take a look.

Diagram of the Reproductive Anatomy of the Female Hyena

nf: Wait…what…what is that..that…thing hanging down there between the female hyena’s legs?
DSP: It’s a pseudo-phallus. Sometimes called a pseudo-penis. High levels of androgen in the womb cause the fetal female hyena’s reproductive organs to grow.
That pseudo-penis protruding 7 inches or so from the female hyena’s body is actually her clitoris. Her birthing canal actually runs through the center of that pseudo-penis.
nf: S-o-o-o, what does this have to do with….Wait!
Wait just a minute here, Doctor!
Are you telling me….are you actually telling me…that….that….
DSP: Yes. The President of the United States, Barack Obama, Our First Female President, has a pseudo-penis!
.
.
nf: My gosh! Barack Obama, Our First Female President has horribly deformed genitalia. No wonder they tried to keep it secret!

Who says Conservatives Have All The Hot Women Politicians? - Artist's Conception of Our First Female President Barack Obama as a Young Female Hyena: Awww yeah, you Progressive bad boys. Time to get all up inside this hot hot pseudo-penis!

nf: So, I guess that’s it. I mean, the First Couple couldn’t even do it, could they? I mean, you know, by “do it” have sex. I mean, how would they even do it?
DSP: Well, it would be very difficult. Even though the female hyena’s pseudo-penis has a birthing canal about one inch in diameter, it’s still possible.
However, President Obama’s pseudo-penis’s birthing canal is only a few millimeters across.
nf: Impossible then.
DSP: Well, no. As it turns out the First Husband, Michelle Obama, for better or worse, has terribly deformed male genitalia as well. He has a very very tiny tiny penis. Almost internal you might say.
So, it’s possible.
But, because of the First Couple’s awkward genitalia, successful mating is tricky to pull off. It would take careful positioning. The First Husband, Michelle Obama, would have to crouch behind the President then somehow Michelle would need to get his very very tiny tiny penis to point up and backwards to enter President Obama’s clitoris.
They would need practice, of course. Maybe after a couple of months, or even years of practicing, the First Couple just might get things lined up just right.
nf: Then, what you’re saying is little Sasha and little Malia could be Our First Female President, Barack Obama’s biological daughters. All it would take is a Caesarian birth.
DSP: No. Unfortunately, the terrible deformations of President Obama’s external genitalia extend to her womb as well.
The President’s vestigial, shrunken womb has bifurcated, that is split into two parts, and descended. Her bifurcated womb actually hangs outside her body just beneath her pseudo-penis as a sort of…well, as a sort of pseudo-scrotum containing pseudo-testicles.
nf: Holy cow! You’re saying that Our First Female President actually has a pair of balls?
DSP: Pseudo-balls.
They’re totally non-functional. In my professional opinion, President Obama’s pseudo-balls have never secreted so much as a picogram of testosterone.
They just hang there like two very very tiny tiny non-fuctional watermelons in a very very tiny tiny burlap bag doing nothing but hanging there.
nf: Case closed then.
You’re basically saying, aren’t you Dr Salmondo-Pinkerton, that due to her horrifically malformed female genitalia, Barack Obama, Our First Female President, couldn’t possibly be the biological mother of little Sasha and little Malia.
And so, to make it abundantly clear to our readers, would you say, in your professional medical opinion, that they are adopted?
DSP: Well, I’ve presented the medical evidence, I suppose you and your readers can make up your own minds about that.
Oh, by the way, naturalfake, this is all off the record, right?
nf: Not to worry, Doc. As an ex-Rolling Stone journalist. I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about.
***End of Transcript***
Well, gentle reader, as always it’s the cover-up, not the original action.
Instead of a delightfully heartwarming tale of two genitally deformed people who managed to find love in this crazy world and despite their physical handicaps scaled the highest heights of politics to form a typical American family, we now have a scandal. One that could bring down this whole administration.
Is it too late to call this latest scandal, Genitalgate?
I think not.
Such is the way of the world.

First Husband Michelle Obama Has No Comment About His Wife's Latest Scandal

UPDATE: Eh, slightly edited to make beginning less wordy. Still too wordy.
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