Al Qaeda Throws in the Turban

Posted by Granny Guerrilla on Jul 19, 2013 in American Culture, Foreign Affairs, Humor, Politics

 101  19  1  0  288  408

 

Once upon a time (in 2013), the terrorist group known as Al Qaeda conceded defeat and gave up their battle to destroy the financial structure of the hated infidel: the United States of America.

Why? Because someone did the job for them. (And no, it wasn’t Allah.)
Out of the wings of Washington’s political stage stepped Johnny, Harry, and Barry, (meaning Boehner, Reid, and Obama), speaking for their band of 535 merry jackasses and elephants.
They launched a wildly inventive drama designed to hold the future of 308 million people (including children and grandchildren) hostage and included a spirited game of “kick-the-fiscal-can” down the road.
What exactly was their plan?
The mother of all bombs?
A zombie attack?
Onslaught of killer bees?
Viral prickly heat rashes?
No, no, no, and not even close.
Inspired by Chicken Little’s “the sky is falling” scenario, their diabolical plot introduced a mythical financial clock that ticked down to the end of the year. Harry stood at the Senate podium and rubbed his hands in mock distress as he fabricated a terror frenzy. In an Oscar-worthy performance, Harry vividly described the calamity that would befall America when the non-existent financial clock ticked its final “tock” and the entire country fell over the also non-existent “fiscal cliff.”
Johnnie, Harry, and Barry stuck to their script, and urged everyone to get on board to prevent the dreaded plunge.
Barry begged, “just give me the money.” He double pinky promised, “not to worry, my precious taxpayers. Giant spending cuts will follow . . . soonish. I swear to God.” Since he was not immediately french fried by lightening, everyone believed him, rolled over, played dead to common sense, and gave him what he wanted.
It took a few months, but eventually citizens caught onto the ploy. They’d been snookered (again). Taxes increased for everyone, including the middle class. Unjust punishment was levied against job creators to force them to stop creating jobs.
As for spending cuts? HAHAHA! Never happened! America’s debt continued to snowball into a monster that would crush the future freedoms of the children and grandchildren.
Thus, financial disaster for America had been set into motion without one trigger finger being lifted by Al Qaeda whose members bowed in respect for the skill and foresight of the ruthless and covert domestic terrorist group known as “Congress.”
The terrorists began placing bets about when and how much the next debt ceiling would be increased. And, would the drama of the request surpass the last one? They rejoiced at the never ending entertainment that would help them pass long nights hiding in damp and moldy caves or boring afternoons hanging out at internet cafes.
So it became that Al Qaeda (in partnership with Al Jazerra TV) shifted focus to weaponize the newly acquired American cable network, purchased from the greedy, former vice-president from the country of the infidels.
Immediately, the terrorists ramped up plans to produce and deliver brainwashing television programs that would influence moody and pimply teenage boys to strap on home-made bombs, proclaim “Allah Akbar” (God is greatest) and blow themselves to smithereens in crowded pizza parlors.
Is this story headed for happily ever after? Probably not.

If you would enjoy a sneak preview at Chapter One from Molli’s upcoming book, “UNCLE SCAM Is Stealing Your Money and Your Country,” CLICK HERE. A former publisher, Time-Life editor, motivational speaker, and author, Molli writes Politically Incorrect Fables to amuse patriots, enlighten low-information voters, and irritate progressives. Additional fables and daily rants are posted at www.grannyguerrillas.com