Support Our (Gay) Troops
I kissed my soldier goodbye and sent her off to war, but no one can know I am her military wife.
Friday, November 04, 2005
The End
We have spoken on the phone several times now. I haven't seen her yet, but I imagine I will soon enough.
She has a long way to go before she will be over whatever happened to her over there. Getting through this is her top priority right now.
Though she is truly suffering right now, she is taking care of it. She is getting help. Knowing that she has been living less than fifteen miles from me for a month now and in serious trouble but with no word to me at all actually leaves me with a feeling of relief. It isn't my responsibility anymore.
I began this project thinking that two worst things about this would be that we would be living so deeply in the closet and that she might die. I was only partially right.
One of the most important things I learned, quite frankly, is that there is very little difference between a military wife and a lesbian military wife.
So much energy goes into supporting these soldiers while they are deployed.
Too many nights spent worrying. So much effort trying to build morale--keeping the home fires burning. Too much silence.
For me, there was too much work trying to sort out too many details with no support anywhere because I was her lesbian wife.
I can't think that all of that was for nothing. Some of my loving effort must have helped to keep her alive and to bring her home. I have to believe that.
Over this past year, I have learned more about the military than I ever thought I would--that is, of course, after I got a full ride to college and never thought about joining the service again.
Before this year, it was really easy for me to take a simplistic view of the military and of war. Both are bad, right?
It is much more complex than that. Both of these things have shaped my life in ways unimaginable. I have also been able to trace my own history and the history of my family in relationship to the military and in relation to war.
I am really angry about the human costs of this war. Not only the dead citizens of Iraq and their grieving families, not only the more than 2000 dead soldiers and their grieving families but also the immeasurable devastation there and here. There is a wide network of silent suffering as a result of this. And for what?
This is my last entry. For me, everything from here on out is just a postscript.
She has a long way to go before she will be over whatever happened to her over there. Getting through this is her top priority right now.
Though she is truly suffering right now, she is taking care of it. She is getting help. Knowing that she has been living less than fifteen miles from me for a month now and in serious trouble but with no word to me at all actually leaves me with a feeling of relief. It isn't my responsibility anymore.
I began this project thinking that two worst things about this would be that we would be living so deeply in the closet and that she might die. I was only partially right.
One of the most important things I learned, quite frankly, is that there is very little difference between a military wife and a lesbian military wife.
So much energy goes into supporting these soldiers while they are deployed.
Too many nights spent worrying. So much effort trying to build morale--keeping the home fires burning. Too much silence.
For me, there was too much work trying to sort out too many details with no support anywhere because I was her lesbian wife.
I can't think that all of that was for nothing. Some of my loving effort must have helped to keep her alive and to bring her home. I have to believe that.
Over this past year, I have learned more about the military than I ever thought I would--that is, of course, after I got a full ride to college and never thought about joining the service again.
Before this year, it was really easy for me to take a simplistic view of the military and of war. Both are bad, right?
It is much more complex than that. Both of these things have shaped my life in ways unimaginable. I have also been able to trace my own history and the history of my family in relationship to the military and in relation to war.
I am really angry about the human costs of this war. Not only the dead citizens of Iraq and their grieving families, not only the more than 2000 dead soldiers and their grieving families but also the immeasurable devastation there and here. There is a wide network of silent suffering as a result of this. And for what?
This is my last entry. For me, everything from here on out is just a postscript.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
As I suspected...
She is back. She is in the area. She is in trouble.
Here is the email she just sent:
"I am back and yes as hard as it is for me to admit, I am having a hard time. My parents know nothing of what is going on, as I don't want them to worry. I am back in the area but have been trying to get help both inpatient and out. I will explain more soon I will promise to try and call... OK that is what I can do right now.. OK???
I will write/ call later, but I am sorry I am not me right now. You are right
you always deserved better.. I am so sorry.... I do still care about you, that is the truth."
Very vague, of course. Creepy that she is nearby. And maddening that she has been so affected by this war. Seriously. How can we count the casualties when some people come back as the living dead? I knew this would happen and there was nothing I could do to stop this.
Here is the email she just sent:
"I am back and yes as hard as it is for me to admit, I am having a hard time. My parents know nothing of what is going on, as I don't want them to worry. I am back in the area but have been trying to get help both inpatient and out. I will explain more soon I will promise to try and call... OK that is what I can do right now.. OK???
I will write/ call later, but I am sorry I am not me right now. You are right
you always deserved better.. I am so sorry.... I do still care about you, that is the truth."
Very vague, of course. Creepy that she is nearby. And maddening that she has been so affected by this war. Seriously. How can we count the casualties when some people come back as the living dead? I knew this would happen and there was nothing I could do to stop this.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
I was right.
She is here and able to call or email but hasn't.
Her mom sent this email this morning.
"I have given the information to her and asked that she call you.
I forwarded the first message to her also.You know how she is about
answering e-mails and what a procrastinator she is. Sorry I have not
gotten back to you sooner, Chuck's Mom is not doing well and we have been
dealing with thatand I have been putting in alot of extra work hours. I
will talk to her this weekend and ask that she get in touch with you."
I just sent an email telling my ex/partner not to contact me. I think I can take care of the bank account without involving her (I didn't tell her that). I am done. I am so glad that I am out of the apartment and only have this one last detail to handle.
Her mom sent this email this morning.
"I have given the information to her and asked that she call you.
I forwarded the first message to her also.You know how she is about
answering e-mails and what a procrastinator she is. Sorry I have not
gotten back to you sooner, Chuck's Mom is not doing well and we have been
dealing with thatand I have been putting in alot of extra work hours. I
will talk to her this weekend and ask that she get in touch with you."
I just sent an email telling my ex/partner not to contact me. I think I can take care of the bank account without involving her (I didn't tell her that). I am done. I am so glad that I am out of the apartment and only have this one last detail to handle.
Friday, October 28, 2005
No phone call
Her parents have not returned my call.
No emails.
I am closing the bank account on Monday. This is ridiculous.
I am pretty mad right now.
No emails.
I am closing the bank account on Monday. This is ridiculous.
I am pretty mad right now.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
What is happening?
Something really weird is happening and I am freaking out.
She changed her address at the bank to a PO Box in a nearby city. Because we have a joint account (she needs to take herself off the account)now my debit card has a hold on it.
Does this mean she is here? And screwing me over?
I tried to call her parents, but they didn't answer. I left a message, hopefully they will return my call. I sent another email even though they haven't responded to the first.
i am so freaked out. really freaked out. My mouth is dry and I am on
the verge of a panic attack. seriously. this sucks.
She changed her address at the bank to a PO Box in a nearby city. Because we have a joint account (she needs to take herself off the account)now my debit card has a hold on it.
Does this mean she is here? And screwing me over?
I tried to call her parents, but they didn't answer. I left a message, hopefully they will return my call. I sent another email even though they haven't responded to the first.
i am so freaked out. really freaked out. My mouth is dry and I am on
the verge of a panic attack. seriously. this sucks.
Monday, October 24, 2005
E-card
I sent the Hallmark e-card to tell
me if she was viewing the card (and her emails). When she views the card
I will be notified. So far, she has not viewed the card.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Her Fears Became My Fears
I have had plenty of reasons lately
to think back over the last 14 months and try to frame some sort of
explanation for what has happened.
The bulletin boards at The Military Spouse Support Network are full of posts by women who have actually had some experiences similar to mine. Days, weeks, months without word from their husbands/boyfriends/wives/girlfriends. Serious doubts about their relationships. Break-ups. Worries about husbands/boyfriends/wives/girlfriends who are growing distant--acting unlike themselves. I've found comfort in knowing that my experiences are not unique. But I have also been disappointed to know that there was little I could do to make a difference. And I have wondered why I tend to read first the posts that reflect experiences so similar to mine.
I have also learned that there are many examples of OUT military personnel. People who live their lives ranging from completely to relatively to cautiously open. Though I was vaguely aware of this already, what has become very clear to me is that the degree of fear that my ex/partner lived with was not completely necessary. But I don't think that she knew that. I really think she has been doing her best and working with information avaiable to her.
But I cannot be sure of that. Her experience is all that I have been able to gather. Her filter, her lens for understanding this has been all that I have had to go on to understand what is going on for her. And her fears have become my fears. I have had no mechanism to support her in that or to suggest that things might be different.
The bulletin boards at The Military Spouse Support Network are full of posts by women who have actually had some experiences similar to mine. Days, weeks, months without word from their husbands/boyfriends/wives/girlfriends. Serious doubts about their relationships. Break-ups. Worries about husbands/boyfriends/wives/girlfriends who are growing distant--acting unlike themselves. I've found comfort in knowing that my experiences are not unique. But I have also been disappointed to know that there was little I could do to make a difference. And I have wondered why I tend to read first the posts that reflect experiences so similar to mine.
I have also learned that there are many examples of OUT military personnel. People who live their lives ranging from completely to relatively to cautiously open. Though I was vaguely aware of this already, what has become very clear to me is that the degree of fear that my ex/partner lived with was not completely necessary. But I don't think that she knew that. I really think she has been doing her best and working with information avaiable to her.
But I cannot be sure of that. Her experience is all that I have been able to gather. Her filter, her lens for understanding this has been all that I have had to go on to understand what is going on for her. And her fears have become my fears. I have had no mechanism to support her in that or to suggest that things might be different.
No comments:
Post a Comment